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The electric doors slid open as I crossed the threshold into the big box office superstore to meet my new shredder. Just inside the door I halted, as my gaze swept from one end of the massive space filled from floor to ceiling with everything from paperclips to paper towels to swivel desk chairs and an in-house copy center. Criminy! Where to look? That’s when I heard the voice in my head, but it turned out not to be in my head, but a sales guy sneaking up behind me. “Do you need some help?” Well, duh. It’s more like I need a GPS to find my way around in here, but you’ll do. I need a shredder, please.
Pleasantly, he replied, “Let’s go find you a shredder!” Walking two paces in front of me he led me directly to the aisle of shredders, which all happened to be on sale today, and proceeded to read labels to me. Hmmm. I can read those all by myself, but thanks. “Well, I don’t normally work in this department, but if I were going to buy a shredder, I’d definitely buy this one!” Really? Why is that, exactly? No, actually I don’t want to know. I just want to read these labels in peace. And quiet.
“And I’m going to go ahead and recommend the added protection that an extended warranty will provide you. If you purchase this model, which is already on sale for a great price, by adding the extended warranty for another two years we’re going to be able to cover all sorts of things the manufacturer won’t. I’ll just hand this pamphlet to you so you have it when you get to the register.” Riiiight. Okay, well, thank you for your help, I’m just going to read more about my options, and I’ll let you know if I need anything else.
“Just give me a shout if you need my help or have any questions!” Sure thing. Thanks, again!
And then just when you think you’re alone and can read as many labels as you want, like the green bean seed you planted in the Dixie cup, he pops up immediately to check on you. Yikes, dude. You’re starting to creep me out a bit. Just slowly back out of this aisle and give a girl some space to determine which shredder fits her needs all by herself. Trust me; I can handle this decision.
Fast forward to the checkout. I’ve made my decision, my purchases are being tallied, and the clerk, oh so chipper, chimes in, “Would you like to add a two-year extended warranty to your shredder?!” Hmmmm. What exactly is the benefit of paying you more money for a product that should work just fine for the next two years – and beyond? I’m sorry I’m not grasping the significance of this extended warranty opportunity that I’m clearly missing.
“Well, I’m supposed to ask you about it, but you know, like if it were to accidentally get caught in the rain, for example, then the extended warranty would cover those damages.” Shoot! That’s right! I forgot about my tendency to bring the paper shredder to all my friends’ cookouts! Hey guys! Check this out! SIX SHEETS AT ONCE! Can you believe it?! And how about that micro-cutting action, eh?!
IT’S A PAPER SHREDDER, PEOPLE! Just a paper shredder.
Names were intentionally withheld. This is a true story that actually happened to me in real life today.
